


The Stress of the Structure Underneath its Paint

by BlackandBlueMagpie



Series: Don't Call Me Brave [9]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-06
Updated: 2013-11-06
Packaged: 2017-12-31 15:31:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1033328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackandBlueMagpie/pseuds/BlackandBlueMagpie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Grantaire.” He places a hand against the others lip. “What’s this?” His hand moves to lightly brush Grantaire’s arm and the other pulls back.<br/>“Christ don’t do this to me now… They're nothing."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Stress of the Structure Underneath its Paint

They’re curled up on the sofa, Grantaire’s fingers twined with his on Enjolras’s lap, his head tucked neatly into the crook of Enjolras’s shoulder so that he can lean his cheek against the dark curls. Grantaire’s thumb is rough against his skin as he slowly traces patterns onto the back of Enjolras’s hand.   
Grantaire leans up to kiss him as the credits roll, it’s a tender kiss that’s almost a thank you. His hands aren’t shaking so badly this time, another night where he’s managed to not drink the entire time he’s been at Enjolras’s. It’s a start, small steps.   
Enjolras cups his face, smiles and then kisses him again. It’s deeper, longer and Grantaire makes a small sound in the back of his throat as he shifts closer. The kiss doesn’t break, even as Enjolras pulls Grantaire on top of him and as the artist’s fingers tangle in his hair. It only breaks when Grantaire moves to kiss down his jaw, pausing momentarily to bite a mark onto his collar bone.   
Enjolras pulls him back up, kissing him briefly.  
“Do you want to do this?”  
“Christ Enjolras.” Grantaire laughs quietly. “Of course I bloody do.” He pulls Enjolras’s hands onto his waist, and Enjolras can feel flushed bare skin. Grantaire kisses his neck again, and Enjolras is sure he’s going to leave a mark but he makes a contented sound, lifting the edges of the shirt. Grantaire pulls away only long enough to get it off over his head before his lips are on Enjolras’s again.   
“Grantaire what..?”   
“Mmm?”  
Grantaire moves back to kiss his neck.  
“Grantaire.” He places a hand against the others lip. “What’s this?” His hand moves to lightly brush Grantaire’s arm and the other pulls back.  
“Christ don’t do this to me now…” Enjolras is still staring at the marks, bright white against already pale skin. Some are darker, fading into pink as they criss-cross over each other. “They’re nothing.”  
“You-“  
“Enjolras. Not now.” Grantaire tells him. Enjolras’s fingers move back to the marks again.  
“We need to talk about this.”  
“We can, whenever you want. But right now we’re in the middle of something.”   
Enjolras shakes his head, shifting out from under his boyfriend.   
“No, now. Grantaire, why didn’t you tell me?”  
“What to have you do this to me? No, I want no other reason for you to look at me like you are now.”  
“How am I looking at you?”  
“Like I can be fixed.” Grantaire spits. “Like I’m a cause for you.”  
“I never-“  
“Tch.” Grantaire turns his head. “You don’t realise you’re doing it but you always… You think you can change the world Enjolras. You think you can help everyone. Well you can’t. You can’t fix me.”  
“I don’t want to fix you.” Enjolras murmurs.  
“Maybe fix me is the wrong word but you want to change me. Change the way I look at myself and think about myself and how I- How I deal with that.” Grantaire circles his fingers around his wrist.   
“Is that so bad?! Is it so bad I want to help you, as your boyfriend? That I want to help you understand how great you are or how you don’t deserve to be-“ He cuts off with a gesture.   
“Yes! Because I know what will happen when you think like that!”  
“And what’s that?”   
“You’ll start feel responsible, and I don’t want that to happen. Because as soon as you do you’ll take things personally. And you have to understand that even though I’m going out with you, no matter how much I like you this isn't going to change. It's not going to be a miracle cure. I can't change yet. I have to do this for myself, at my own pace and in my own time. And maybe some when I'll reach a point where seeing your face when you see the scars will hurt more than any cut I could put on my body. Then I'll do it for you. But I'm not there yet, and you need to understand that otherwise it will eat you alive and I don't want to be the cause of that." He places his hands on either side of Enjolras’s face, his eyes an intense blue. "I would die for you Enjolras, but I'm not sure if I can live for you yet."   
Enjolras blinks, opening his mouth even though he’s not quite sure what to say. Grantaire sighs. “None of these are because of you. None of these are because of anyone but myself. I want you to remember that. Can you do that?”  
“I don’t know.” Enjolras answers, and his eyes flicker between Grantaire and the scars.   
“I’m in a good place at the moment. But I could fall, and when I do I don’t want you think it has anything to do with you, or that you’ve done anything wrong. Because I don’t know why it happens, okay? And if I don’t know then you can’t possibly know either.”  
“You’ll tell me though, if you think you’re going to fall?”  
“I’ll try to.” Grantaire nods, his voice quiet. “I can’t always tell, but if I feel I am I promise I will tell you.”  
“And I will always be there to support you through anything. Okay?”  
“Don’t make promises like that.”  
“What..?”  
“Promises you might not keep.”  
“I’m going to.” Enjolras takes Grantaire’s hand gently. “I’m not going anywhere. And I- I know you might not believe that after everything but I believe it, so I am going to make that promise to support you.”  
“I don’t deserve it.”   
“I can’t stop caring about you.” Enjolras lifts him arm gently, moving to trace over the webbing of scars one by one. “And this is part of you, a part I don’t pretend to like, but a part all the same. So even if you don’t think you deserve my support, it’s not your choice to make. I’ll still be here.” Grantaire shakes his head, almost imperceptibly, watching as Enjolras’s fingers skim his skin. Enjolras kisses his wrist gently. “I’m here.”

**Author's Note:**

> The line about 'I would die for you but I'm not sure if I can live for you.' is something I've had in my head ever since I started writing this, and it's nice to finally have it all written up.  
> Title comes from Amy Efaw's 'After'


End file.
